All I want for Christmas is a little willpower

So, the holiday baking season began for me in mid-November. I searched for recipes claiming the lightest, fluffliest, butteriest mashed potatoes. I discovered a recipe for the perfect chocolate chip cookies - that happened to be vegan.

I have a baking problem, which over the years has turned into an eating problem. I make delicious brownies, which are perfect with a glass of ice-cold milk. My brownies are the perfect combination of cakey and fudgey, and I also top them with a kick-ass chocolate frosting.

I sample as I go along - if I get batter on my finger as I scrape the bowl, I lick my finger. I judge the vanilla content by using a tasting spoon. Sometimes, using my favorite fat-girl treat, I spread frosting onto Ritz crackers and make a little sandwich.

I signed up for a holiday cookie exchange. It worked like this: I bring in cookies, and I am sent home with an equal number of different cookies. Have you tried this? Apparently cake balls are a thing. Simple recipe.  Crumble up our choice of cake with cream cheese, and then dip in melted chocolate. Genius.

For all of these reasons, plus the fact that I broke my pinky toe and could not walk like I normally do, I gained about 4 pounds in a month. Not good. So now that it's a new year, I am back on track. Apparently my slide is not abnormal. Most dieters relapse after about eight months. Wish me luck as I get back on the wagon.

Have you relapsed? How did you recover?

Five things I know about losing weight

In a nod to Oprah, who just made $70 million in a day after investing in a 10 percent stake in Weight Watchers, I thought I would do a riff on her column about things she knows to be true. So here are the six things I know about losing weight:

1. It is very hard to make the leap from acknowledging you're overweight to being committed to sticking to a diet plan.

I've known I was overweight for the past thirty years. I didn't think to much of it because I was, well, voluptuous. Curvy. Ample-bosomed. Then I became a mom, and passed off my extra weight as being a by-product of being a good mother. Feeding my children and family. Then, as I aged, I began to notice that I was losing whatever attractiveness I thought I had. The scale at my doctor's office horrified me, but I thought I could just think about losing weight and maybe it would happen.

Then, I began to notice that the most successful people around me were also the most physically fit. Perhaps that was the thing that was preventing me from achieving success in business. I despaired because I thought I was too old to "fix" myself.

I don't know how else to explain it, other than something just clicked. A co-worker said that she was thinking of joining Weight Watchers, but didn't want to do it alone. And I said, "I'll do it with you."

2. To stick to a diet plan, you need to plan all your meals. It really helps to think ahead to what you will be eating. I look forward to breakfast every day, because I know that this will get me off on the right foot. I separate my yolks from my whites, spray my pan, slow-cook my whites until they are just the way I like them. Or, I measure out my oatmeal, add a scoop of unsweetened pumpkin, and listen for the last few seconds of the microwave. It is oddly therapeutic. I read labels. I know that if I'm hungry, I should have fruit or vegetables instead of Chili Cheese Fritos. But, on Weight Watchers, I CAN have the Fritos if I measure them and count them on my points. (they are so delicious. Hey Frito Lay people, hook me up!)

3. It may take you losing ten pounds before someone notices and comments on you "looking great!" Some people may not ever say anything, for fear of offending you.  Like I said in a previous post, fat people know they're fat. I have no illusions about the weight I've lost so far.

4.  You may get discouraged. I have recently fallen into a bad pattern of gorging when I get home. I keep shoveling cheddar cheese-flavored pretzel nubs into my mouth, and can't seem to stop. Also zebra popcorn. My rationale is, "Hey, I need to eat some so I don't gorge myself because I want it." Makes no sense to me. Why does junky food taste so delicious? And in the cold light of day, I vow to do better. 

5. Until you lose much of your weight, you maybe should not go out to eat. I blame bread baskets and delicious butter. Also most of the entrees out there are truly designed for two people. And who knows how much fat they're adding when they're cooking it for you? I don't drink alcohol, but just because it's liquid doesn't mean it's calorie-free. You know what you're supposed to be doing - or not doing.

6. Drink lots of water. Stay away from calorie-free soda. There are flavored carbonated waters that don't have any artificial sugar, stuff that I (and science) believe make you crave sweets. Sweets are the devil. 

What helpful hints do you have for new dieters? Please leave a comment below

Update: 27 pounds later

I joined Weight Watchers in February 2015. Since then, I've lost about 27 pounds. I've gone from a size 18-20 to about a 14-16. I've had to buy new underwear. People have noticed that I've lost weight. One person, a dear friend and nurse, told me that she had noticed that I was losing weight, but she was concerned about offending me.

I told her, "Audrey, fat people know they're fat!"

Even after losing that much weight, however, I am not where I want to be. I would like to lose 50 more pounds.

It occurred to me that I would need to start exercising to try to keep some of my loose flesh at bay, lest I turn into a character from a favorite children's book.

I bought a used elliptical for $200, and told myself that I would need to use it before I watched TV. I was moderately successful. It occurred to me that I need to engage in an activity where it would not be so easy to hop off when I got bored. So I started walking.

I actually walk about a mile each day during the two 15-minute breaks my employers give me. I also have a needy German shepherd named Schatzi who loves to go for walks - each time it's like the BEST TIME EVER.

The trouble with walking - or maybe it's a benefit - is it gives me time to think. Like, I was thinking it's been a long time since I updated this blog. So here it is. Also, I am thinking about my job. That will be my next blog entry. 

What can I eat? Banana "Pancakes"

One of my main concerns when I joined Weight Watchers was that I would be hungry all the time. Let's examine my typical, pre-Weight Watchers day of eating, shall we?

Morning (around 5:30 am): Scrambled eggs, cooked in butter, and buttered sourdough toast. Coffee with SUGAR-FREE creamer and half-and-half. I didn't measure anything.

Mid-morning: Yogurt, some type of cereal bar.

Lunch: Something from home, leftover rice or pasta, sometimes a bag of salad mix. I loved the kits that come with dressing and toppings with them. I would typically have a bag for lunch.

Mid-afternoon; Something, anything, for crying out loud. Would really like a cookie.

Dinner: Would stop by grocery store or fast food. Hey, chicken nuggets are healthy, right?

When I started Weight Watchers, I liked that there was an app I could use on my phone. The Weight Watchers system assigns "points" to different foods, and then assigns you a certain number of points you were allowed.  I would enter whatever I ate, and the app would tell me how many points I had left. It didn't take me long to figure out that my typical breakfast would take up about half my daily points.

I started measuring my cream for my coffee, and it became apparent to me that if I wanted to eat any food for the rest of the day, I would need to learn to drink my coffee black with artificial sweetener.( Zero points), Egg whites instead of whole eggs (fewer points), cooked with pan spray (zero points).

I could also have all the unprocessed fruits and vegetables I wanted (except the two best vegetables, corn and potatoes).

I added frozen spinach and sliced mushrooms to my egg whites to up the nutritional content, but I was intrigued by postings on Facebook and Pinterest talking about banana "pancakes." I read the ingredients and decided to give it a go.

Now, before you start thinking, "Gross. Scrambled eggs and bananas?" I just want you to know that I was right there with you. I was fully prepared to toss it in the garbage if it was disgusting. But I figured that it was ALMOST like pancakes. So that is how I proceeded.

You will need a banana, cinnamon, and scrambled eggs. You can scramble your own, or use a carton like I did.

Mush the banana, add the eggs, and cinnamon to taste:

Spray your pan (preferable a non-stick pan) with spray of your choice. Heat pan to medium:

Dump your mixture into pan. Lumps are OK.

Flip when the edges look dry, like a pancake. The brown stuff is the carmelization of the bananas.  Continue cooking for a few more minutes until you can lift with spatula without breaking the "pancake"

Enjoy! This was so delicious, I'm not gonna lie. I have had this every day for the past week for breakfast. It's a nice change from the spinach and mushrooms that I usually have. AND the whole thing is only ONE POINT. Doesn't get any better!

How did I get here?

This is me. I'm not proud to admit it. And what am I doing with a piece of cheesecake the size of my head? To be fair, I only had a few bites, and took the rest home to my son. I swear. But really, I had no business getting the cheesecake, even though it was my birthday, and my best friend insisted. I am a weak, weak person. 

I've been weak for a long time, probably all of my 52 years. As the daughter of an alcoholic, I blamed him for when my life wasn't going well, or if I was overweight. I have a pretty good life, but I have been overweight pretty much ever since my children were born, and the youngest one is 20 years old. 

I have tried (have I? not really) to lose weight. I did lose about 30 pounds when I worked at a restaurant. There's no irony - it was the Atkins diet, and I was the manager. So I could very easily munch on bacon, grilled chicken, and hamburgers whenever the mood struck. 

I was also a bartender, journalist, and the communications manager for a statewide not-for-profit. After my crazy boss fired me (true story - the boss was later fired for anger management issues!), I noticed the weight creeping up. Oh, and there was menopause, so thank you menopause for the extra pounds. 

More about all that later. I am here to share my story to maybe give some hope to middle-aged women who may have thought they couldn't lose weight. You can, because I did. I did it and am doing it with Weight Watchers, and I would like to invite you along for the ride. I promise just the facts, ma'am. 

I started Weight Watchers on February 19 of this year. A co-worker (who, in my opinion, did NOT need to join WW) said she would do it if someone else would join with her. I -smartly or stupidly - said, "I'll join with you!"

And now, May 21, I have lost just over 16 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has been fairly easy - and fun, even. I weigh 201.2 pounds now, a fact not even my husband knew, and we have been married for almost 29 years (more about that later, too!). 

Here is a pic of me from last week. You probably can't tell anything yet. I'm smiling because I just got a text that my daughter and husband are on their way to see me!